Overcoming Betrayal: Part 1

The difficulty behind facing betrayal comes through the realization that the person you once most admired, is not who you believed them to be.

That or, the two people involved are changing, embarking on different paths, and now need to come with terms that the connection requires new necessities. Maybe a need to bridge differences, committing to maintaining the connection, etc. 

While betrayal can be applied to romantic relationships, I want to discuss the connections more on the platonic levels, i.e. friendships, familial, and the like. These are our soul family just as much as romantic ones are. Isn’t it crazy that these happen to hurt the most for us when we go into separation?

It all started with me adopting the Gaillardia Flower Essence by Freedom Flowers to heal from the trauma I experienced throughout high school. Little did I know that it took me through a different, more turbulent direction with the focus around one specific friend, one that I haven’t thought about in years.

“Gaillardia’s essence is that of a survivor. Part firewheel, part security blanket, Gaillardia helps us shift from a recent blow or trauma to peace, comfort, and a quick regrouping to a new path or focus. Gaillardia doesn’t make light of what you’ve been through, as some essences almost have an “erasing” quality. Gaillardia seems to empower you to stand unwavering in the face of opposition or trials with strength.” - Freedom Flowers

Over time, this resurfaced repressed pain into the forefront and I began to realize how much as a society we deprive ourselves of the grieving process because that’s exactly what that is, a loss. It’s an ending and we must give ourselves an adequate amount of time to grieve for it.

We don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain, reflect on the connection, that which we may have endured and often times, we are put down for attempting to grieve over it. Despite if the connection was good or bad, it was Divinely brought into our lives for the soul evolution of both souls involved.

[Skip below to read the learning points from this process:]

My betrayal came in the form of a long-term friendship that occupied a great portion of my life. Do you ever notice how you look back on memories in your life? Do you reflect in an objective manner or through rose-colored lenses? Do you happen to fixate on the painful or on the magical moments?

While we shared joyous memories, the Gaillardia taught me that there were still repressed feelings of pain that I failed to consider. I’m the type of person that tends to make tons of excuses for peoples’ poor behaviors because I want to be accomodating. I believe that people have the best intentions in mind but their execution can usually be poor.

For the first time, I was able to view the connection in an objective mindset. I saw the connection for what it was, an abusive one. “Abusive” is a loaded word to use, but it’s appropriate in this case.

This was a one-sided friendship where jealousy, resentment, and a strong obsession towards me forced me to put my feelings and needs aside. My character was sacrificed to uphold someone else’s image and I was constantly getting gaslit. I don’t plan on expanding on specifics here but I cut off the connection at one point after I had an intervention by new friends in my life when they noticed her behavior.

(It’s important to mention that not every betrayal stems from abusive relationships, it just so happens that my continuous betrayals came from one.)

I think this point is important to note:

After I cut off the connection, she emailed me to inquire about why the connection failed and to (generally) apologize for what she has done. I replied by pointing out hurtful and deeply upsetting actions she committed and she responded that she did not remember any of those but wanted to apologize in case it hurt me.

After all those years, she refused to take accountability, and the gaslighting pervaded as she made me question the credibility of my claims.

Abuse is always cyclical but once the preparator continues with it without intervention or acknowledgment, it never ceases to exist.

I want to maintain privacy about specifics of more damaging abusive behavior but it felt liberating to acknowledge it for what it is. It is a healing process in itself to admit that I experienced trauma, to look back and see how I evolved and what can I furthermore learn from those years of experience. 

I want to maintain privacy about specifics of more damaging abusive behavior but it felt liberating to acknowledge it for what it is. It is a healing process in itself to admit that I experienced trauma, to look back and see how I evolved and what furthermore can I learn from those years of experience. 

Here are points to consider:

• Acknowledge the pain! When I started to navigate an old but significant connection, I didn’t come to terms until years later that what I endured was traumatizing and is considered to be abusive. I realized that I made a lot of excuses for the other person and in the process discredited my experiences and feelings. It is a toxic way to enable negative behavior in another and when you allow it to happen once, you will have a hard time seeing it in other areas of your life.

• Don’t focus on right vs. wrong! When you start to focus on who is right and wrong during an argument, you will lose your way. The friendship begins to no longer be a mutable interest.

• Not everyone is meant for you. Surround yourself with people who inspire and uplift you, not people whose only desire is your downfall or who refuse to love you for who you are.

• You are not responsible for other peoples' problems. The most you can do is lend a listening ear but maintain strong boundaries when you feel like it is going overboard.

• Some people are projecting their trauma on you in the form of judgments. Be careful not to internalize this as your own. This is where working with boundaries comes in handy.

• Don't normalize abusive behavior and make it acceptable because then it will become the foundation for relationships in your life. Take the time to meditate on your feelings and memories. Write out the list on how you felt betrayed to help you see it in a more objective manner.

I'll be posting part two with more spiritual insights into this that correspond with inner-child and heart space healing techniques.